Every situation is negotiable. It just so happens that you’re often facing an uphill battle, you are the ant arguing with the boot. You know the only recourse of an ant is? He has to survive and then bite.-Me
Sometimes I want to give up. I think about how pointless it is to even try. There is such a powerful wave in this world against the truth, that even the thought of confronting it gives me a hopeless anxiety. I thought that this blog will be my tiny grain of sand sand on the beach of truth, and that if I could even contribute one
We live in a world where truth isn’t rewarded. Throughout my career in law school it always seemed that those willing to lie the most got the farthest.
Once upon a time when I was just a baby law student I worked at the Hennepin County Public Defenders Office. You see, it was always my dream to be a public defender. I felt that I had escaped some unfortunate situations through the benefit of the family I was born into. I had seen those less fortunate than I suffer through the hands of the cold criminal justice system and I wanted to help.
Through all the pain and sorrow of law school, that one goal kept me going. Even when I gave up on the thought of it ever happening to me I secretly hoped in my heart that if I just worked hard enough it would.
Now why do I say that the world rewards those that lie the hardest not those that try the hardest? Because when I finally interviewed (twice, I was the only person to have to interview two times) for the job as a big girl public defender, four months later they told me I didn’t get the job.
Now I don’t want to sound like some bitter girl lost in envy, but believe me when I tell you that few of the other clerks had the passion that I had for the job. I worked countless hours (even while I simultaneously worked another job, volunteered at our schools legal clinic, and took the maximum credit hours) at the office. I was always available, I turned in all my assignments quick and my efforts got me several recommendations from the attorneys I worked with.
When I didn’t get that job it was like a sucker punch to the gut. I couldn’t believe that my hard work and dedication weren’t rewarded. Before that moment I believed my whole life that if your honest, if you work as hard as you can and you stay dedicated, you will get the job. And it didn’t happen.
I looked around and I saw people only working at the office as stepping stool to some other more lucrative position. I saw clerks that were the same kiss asses that make law school a living hell.
It was devastating. It completely changed my life and me doubt the world and myself. This was two years ago. And here I am on Degravy trying to contribute whatever knowledge I can to the public. I write this blog for everybody that has felt like they want to give up or that there is no point.
I want to give up too sometimes. My outlet is writing and trying to push as many creative thoughts as I can. I even want to give that up too. I feel that discouraged. Sometimes it’s hard to even write a sentence, let alone a whole article. But I can’t give up.
Two nights ago I had a dream I met Ronald Reagan. I shit you not, call it crazy but I met that man. And he smiled and winked at me. I just knew that he approved of my efforts and that I have to keep going. There is a point, and the only way I’ll lose is if I give up. Cheaters love quitters because it makes them winners.
Like hell I’ll ever let that happen again.