Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it’s yours.- Ayn Rand
A Message From Your Local Pharmaceutical Dealer
Have you ever experienced a sudden onslaught of dread so powerful that it stops you in your tracks and fills you with the powerful sense that something is wrong?
Do you ever jolt awake at night terrified and drenched in sweat with thoughts of your failures and a hopeless feeling of tomorrow keeping you awake?
In class, do you ever catch yourself staring at your teacher wondering if any of this is real?
Are you scared to talk to people because you feel ashamed of burdening others with your overwhelming feelings?
You have ANXIETY!! And this anxiety is completely unique to you, has nothing to do with anybody else in your life, and is only fixable with a prescription from your favorite pharmaceutical company! By the way this company in no way profits from your illness. In fact please fill out the 401(c)3 papers now because we deserve non-profit status as much as the NFL!
Wait! You say you don’t feel better? Well that is because you also have DEPRESSION. Yes, and for the unbeatable price of your soul and sanity you get the buy one get one free special! That’s right, with one bargain deal of anxiety medication you get another bottle of anti-depressants!
Your worried about how these two medications will mix with your prescription ADHD medication? Don’t you worry your pretty little head! It is a scientific fact that the more medication you’re on the longer and more fulfilling your life!
Buy now before you overdose on the street drugs you bought because you couldn’t afford the medication your doctor got you addicted to!
DISCLAIMER: Our corporation is no way responsible for your death, safety, or health while on medication. If you experience any side effects from the medicinal cocktail we just prescribed please see your doctor. Just know that we pay your doctor so don’t expect any solution other than more medication and your doctor’s deaf ears. Also don’t look for Google to help since we have also teamed up with them to prescribe you the best medication possible.
A Letter From Your Friendly Public Schools
It has come to our attention that you have questioned the nature of your education at our institution. Your actions represent a complete disrespect to myself, this school, and your parents!
Though we’ve dumbed down our classes to the point that my three month old puppy could pass the class, you continue to miss your homework assignments. When asked by the teacher where your homework is you claim that a ten page essay on the patriarchy’s effect on the taste of butter won’t help you in the “real world.”
Young lady, school is the real world. As you can see by our myriad of safe spaces, our diversity initiatives, and our extreme commitment to your emotional wellbeing, there is no better real world for you than here. When students were upset about the 2016 election we offered free animal petting and arts and crafts. Our classes are taught by the best professors in the country.
The lessons you learn here from our world renowned “Oppression 101“, the student favorite “How To Be Ashamed of Everything You Are 320“, or the new “You Don’t Have Trump Derangement Syndrome, You’re Just Patriotic 500,” will tell you everything you need to know for success.
I don’t know if you’re aware of what a privilege it is to be at this school.
At this one of a kind university you’re told what to think so you never have to think for yourself. We are preparing you for a life where reality is not what you see but what you’re told. When anyone tries to confront you’re carefully manufactured world view, we protect your free speech by providing you a space to hurl insults at those that don’t agree with you.
Before you think of quitting please think of the thousands of dollars we’ve allowed you to soend at our overcrowded lectures and teacher assistant lead recitations.
If you are no longer a student you will not be allowed to attend the football games students use as an excuse to binge drink and be sexually promiscuous. At this progressive University we respect our student’s privacy so much that we are willing to sacrifice their safety. After all, those that give their freedom for a little bit of safety deserve neither, as our motto goes.
No if you can’t respect our school enough to not say one bad thing about it publicly than this institution no longer wants you here.
Overpaid Faculty at an Overpriced Institution
A Warning From an Exhausted Citizenry
You have betrayed each and every one of us. While masquerading as philanthropist and altruist, you have stolen from the people. That’s right stolen. Some of you took it right out of our pockets, some of you through fraud, and some of you prey on the vulnerable members of society.
You do not listen to us, when we tell you what we want, you tell us that we don’t know what we want. When we tell you that’s false, you insult our intelligence.
Instead of taking any accountability for the suffering of people in America, you blame everyone else. Even though you hold all the power in this country, you divide us by inflaming tensions. You seek to isolate us so we don’t challenge your existence. You turn nasty because you live in fear that the people will one day wake up.
You fear that your fate will be similar to that of Marie Antoinette, but instead of changing, you throw lavish parties where you laugh at the rest of America.
You have tried to trash everything we stand for. Shame us in to compliance, and projected your misdeeds on the rest of us.
Let this letter serve as a warning. We won’t put up with you any longer. We’re taking back our country, and trust me, we have the patience to do it.